Fushimi's Pain
by psychemenace
Summary: After the fight in episode 11 and everything was resolved both Misaki and Fushimi stopped fighting. Both of them are deeply battered and all of a sudden Misaki asked Fushimi if he hated him. Fushimi was shaken. And this story is primarily about the things Fushimi couldn't say to Misaki when he turned and walked away from him forever.


**Disclaimer:** Characters are not mine. Ownership goes to GoRa and GoHands, I own nothing and I don't earn money from this as well, this is just for fun just to satisfy the thoughts that accompany when I think about Fushimi and Misaki at night.

**A/N**: I thought about this when I listened to Misaki and Fushimi's CD for the third time, it still doesn't fail to make my heart ache. For some reason I had this realization that maybe Misaki would never reciprocate Fushimi's feelings. Tell me what you think! :D

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"Do you hate me?"

His tone was like an accusation of some sorts mixed by a kind of somberness that had a subtle frustration in it. Hate, what a wondrous word it had been for the both of them. The word that embodies the totality of their relationship. He wanted to burst out laughing but he was surprised his mind echoed words that he seemed to lose control over. Words that his lips were trying to muster up but couldn't, words that maybe if he just spewed them out could've change everything or could even confuse the two of them more.

_'It's impossible for me to hate you'_ he found himself wanting to say, but words slipped away from his lips. It was late for him to realize that he was shaken by the question. So shaken to the point that his right hand was trembling violently, but apparently, the other party didn't seem to notice. He was pierced by the other's eyes, it seemed to be painful to be looked that way. He breathed deeply, trying to regain composure. His lips were cut, he was sweating and bleeding. But even in this condition, he didn't seem to pay attention. It's better for him to feel physical pain, that way he would be able to distract himself from the pain within his soul. Right before his eyes is the root of all of this emptiness and emotional turmoil that he's had. He couldn't see the face the other person is making for he had already turned his back on Fushimi. All he could do was to make it as if he was sad like the way he said it. The fight was over, and he was battered badly, they both were. Now it was no use to continue fighting, it was all resolved now. Both of their bodies were aching. He didn't respond to the other man's question. His battered face contorted into a sinister grin. He turned his back and walked away.

He was badly wounded, he could barely walk but still he forced his legs. It was painful, walking away from someone whom you really wanted to.. He shrug this thought and just concentrated all his energy into walking. It was cold. His breath formed like smoke in the air. When he was a little bit farther from where he left, his legs failed him and he fell on his back. He tried to move, and ended up leaning on something not far from a wall. He was looking at the sky thinking about nothing else but that person. Breathing was painful, living was painful, maybe he could just die right now and not feel anything anymore. In the end, no one came to save him. In the end, the person whom he wished to be saved by refused to. He sighed, how pathetic to end up this way.

_I wanted to die beside you. But it's fine this way. It's fine if I'll die, that way your hatred will turn into nothing, and that you'll finally find happiness. I won't piss you off anymore, you'll have your perfectly peaceful day everyday, days that are without me. _

He closed his eyes, he was heaving. It was difficult to breath, his breath turned into muffled monotones to ease the pain in his throat. He felt a tingling sensation, a sensation as if he was choking on his tears. He swallowed a lump on his throat, even that hurt. He felt the whole of his throat burning.

_It's better this way, I could just think about those old days when we were still together. Those days when you were there for me and me alone. I want to live on those memories, for there are my treasures. The only good times in my life were times when I'm with you. That way you would always look at me and only me. _

He felt empty inside, in the end he still wanted to be saved. Why couldn't he be saved?

_Misaki. _

In the end all he wanted was for Misaki to notice him, to pay attention to him. He couldn't say what he really felt toward him, for the sole reason that Misaki was already blinded by the thought of Saru betraying him. If only he could read between the lines, if only he wasn't paying more attention to Mikoto, if only he would stop being dense and understand Saru's feelings. The snow fell gently from the sky like idle feathers that seemed to fall from the sky by accident.

_For some reason, this reminds me of you. The way the snow falls from the sky is akin to.. it's like falling for you. The fall is gentle at first but then it accumulates and then ends up into a hard fall. _

The snow might be falling gently like this, but this might turn into a blizzard. The snow is so thick. The surroundings were so white like cotton. It seemed that Saru was sleeping peacefully. He didn't seem to notice before that he left tracks of blood on the road. He slowly opened his eyes to see. He breathed painfully and then the scenery before his eyes slowly turned into a blur and finally he drifted away. Eyes closed, he was beginning to be covered by snow.

_It's better this way right Misaki? I could linger on those memories for all eternity. We could eat together just like the old times and spend time together like the old times. And you will look only at me, only me. _

"Saru!"

Maybe all of us ends up being found. People always wish to be found, to be save by the person they really want the most. But we all now that most of the time, this doesn't occur. But there's a certain happiness at the thought that there are people who actually care. Blatant footsteps were rushing towards where Fushimi lay, but it was too late, he couldn't hear anymore. He couldn't feel his head being lifted, and his body being shaken. He was still breathing, but he was already pale, it has been awhile since he had been exposed to the cold. Even though his uniform was well suited for the cold, it couldn't keep his body warm.

He couldn't take the coldness in his soul, the warmth that it used to have had left when he chose to leave that person. The coldness slowly accumulated within him and finally took a turn for the worst when he realized he was alone. When he realized he's been alone from the very start. Being trapped in a place that he didn't fit, and that the only thing that he could call his safety zone is slowly taken away from him. Tears were flowing from his eyes, the words 'I loved him' reverberated in his mind a thousand times until he lost consciousness.


End file.
